


Press to Give Gold

by Erina



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, P5R Spoilers, Reddit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:29:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26257186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erina/pseuds/Erina
Summary: u/Crow: Am I the asshole for shooting my rival in the face and setting it up to look like a suicide to fulfill the final step of my revenge plot against my bastard father?some events of p5r, told through a series of reddit posts
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 131
Kudos: 933





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My [22M] rival [23M] has been weirdly nice to me during the coronavirus quarantine. Is he attempting to kill me again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23918884) by [relationshipcrimes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/relationshipcrimes/pseuds/relationshipcrimes). 



> **About Community**
>
>> Do not turn off custom skins please!  
>  Should be fine on mobile (honestly I think it might look better on it...)  
>  The subreddit and account posting are both listed above the title  
>  All colored usernames are p5 characters. They default to their code names for easier readability but you can pretend they're whatever you want.  
>  Non-colored usernames are people from Twitter! More on that in the end notes.  
>  Don't take this too seriously.

  


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r/relationship_advice • Posted by u/Crow  


I [18M] met a boy [17M] today.

In the interest of privacy, I will be keeping things as vague as possible. Thank you for understanding.

  


I [18M] am a public personality. Despite still being in high school, I work as a detective and often appear on television. The public has given me the moniker of Detective Prince. I would like to avoid giving out any further details.

  


Today, at 1:00 PM, I had a television appearance at the tv studio in Akasaka. While I was there, I ran into a boy [17M] and had a rather enlightening conversation with him. While I did say that he is [17M], truthfully I was not entirely certain of his age. He would not tell me no matter how many times I asked, and I had to steal his records from the Police Department by climbing in through the vents.

  


After my interview, I noticed that he stood all alone in the back of the room while his friends abandoned him. I felt something akin to pity seeing his depressed and lonely expression, so I approached him to make polite conversation. I made sure to rehearse what I was going to say a couple times before I reached him to properly demonstrate my superior intellect. He seemed very impressed with my knowledge of Hegel and even asked to hold my hand and exchange numbers. I normally do not cater to fans, but seeing him standing by himself reminded me of myself when I was young in the foster system. Spurned by this similarity – I was an unwanted child too – I decided to give in and exchange phone numbers.

  


It has only been a couple hours, but my phone has run out of space with all the cat pictures he keeps sending. I may need to get a new phone. My father monitors this one and he appears to interpret the recent influx of photographs as a sign of teenage rebellion.

  


Joker • 3.5k points

this sounds suspiciously familiar, there was a post on r/AkechiThirstClub earlier about the same thing

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Crow • 973 points

You are mistaken.

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Joker • 3.5k points

what a coincidence. they also met a [18M] detective prince today, but unlike you, he was fumbling over basic words and his hands were sweaty

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Crow • 973 points

I wear gloves.

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Joker • 3.5k points

did i stutter

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sabbatoma • 823 points

vague my ass lmao that’s ur whole life story

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lemurianne • 1.9k points

hey dude this reddit isn’t ur diary

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Skull • 6.4k points

what advice r u even asking for

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Crow • 973 points

I suppose I wanted to know if what I did was socially acceptable.

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Skull • 6.4k points

wat, being friends??

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Crow • 973 points

Is this what friends do?

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Skull • 6.4k points

bro

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DaisyDogOx • 4.6k points

This post is 90% fluff and 10% actual content

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Panther • 237 points

Text message images shouldn’t affect your phone storage too much, I think 

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Crow • 973 points

They are in my camera roll.

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Panther • 237 points

Huh? Why??

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Crow • 973 points

I’m not quite sure myself. I would open the image of the cat and my fingers would automatically stray to the "Save Image" button. Is this behavior normal?

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Panther • 237 points

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shantealeaves • 422 points

Is no one going to mention the fact that this dude admitted to committing a crime?

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Crow • 973 points

Which one?

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shantealeaves • 422 points

The one where you broke into a police department to steal classified documents.

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shantealeaves • 422 points

Wait.

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shantealeaves • 422 points

There’s more than one?!

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shantealeaves • 422 points

OP???

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r/AmITheAsshole • Posted by u/Panther  


AITA for leaving my human to navigate the train system alone?

Hello Reddit! I am posting this on behalf of my cat friend because he does not have thumbs. The last post by u/fsdklafji was deleted by moderators for violating Rule 1: English only. It actually was in English but his paws are not suited for typing. Sorry about that!

  


Before I start, I just want to say that all opinions are his own! For one, I don’t refer to having a crush as a mating ritual 

  


\---

  


So my human went to play the game with a stick and some balls. I’m not sure why, but he invited this really sketchy dude to play with him. Now, I’m generally pretty accepting of weird people (Panther: that’s a lie) but this dude is really strange. Like, we’re pretty sure he can understand me and is secretly a supernatural hitman who has been causing mental breakdowns. That kind of weird.

  


But my human invited him anyway. Fine. Whatever. But that’s when it starts getting really weird.

  


So the sketchy dude, who I will call Bob for convenience, leans over to hit the balls, and then my human keeps staring. And staring. When I asked him what he was looking at, he said he was checking if Bob had a gun in his back pocket. Do humans normally bring guns with them everywhere? I know I said that Bob is an assassin but I don’t think even he would do that. But my human assured me that it was completely normal and then went back to looking.

  


And even weirder: Bob would check too when it was my human’s turn. Technically he was arrested on assault but it’s all false charges, I promise. So there really was no reason for Bob to suspect my human of having a gun to begin with. Not to mention, he made this face  and I’m pretty sure he said “fascinating” at one point! Isn’t that weird?

  


It got too weird for me and it was past my bed time (7 PM) so I left without him and went back home. I almost got kicked out of the train multiple times, but thankfully I managed to fool the humans by pretending to be dead.

  


So Reddit, AITA for leaving my human to fend for himself? I don’t think I am. I mean, with the amount my human was looking, I’m sure he would’ve told me if Bob was actually carrying a gun.

  


  


TrckstrChange • 3.7k points

lady are u ok

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Panther • 237 points

Wait I’m sooooo glad you asked actually. I lined up today in Kichiouji to try some of these world famous crepes but then they sold the last one to the person in front of me. Can you believe that?

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comfy_comfy • 182 points

pretty sure they were asking if you were mentally sane based on your post

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Panther • 237 points

I’m not! Mika cut me in line and she got the last one and she didn’t even eat it! Something about how models shouldn’t be eating crepes anyway so she’s doing me a favor. I’m losing my mind!

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TrckstrChange • 3.7k points

errr sry to hear about that

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Queen • 1.5k points

Supernatural hitman who has been causing the mental breakdowns? That sounds rather serious.

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Panther • 237 points

Don’t worry about it! It was just a hypothetical example

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Queen • 1.5k points

It’s rather specific for a hypothetical example.

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Panther • 237 points

Morgana [?? M] said that it’s like sometimes when you’re eating an apple and you think wow, it’d be cool if that apple was a supernatural hitman, and the next day it actually is

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Queen • 1.5k points

That has literally never happened to me before.

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Joker • 3.5k points

where’s the ginza line

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Crow • 973 points

It’s outside near Station Square.

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Joker • 3.5k points

thanks

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Joker • 3.5k points

you’re a liar :(

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r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Joker  


i think i’m at social rank 3

today, i went to a cafe with a friend. i’ll call him martin. so martin is super popular right and has a lot of fans, so he got spotted in public pretty easily. he wanted to leave right away but i told him nah, i got you, and i gave him my sweatshirt and also my glasses and ruffled up his hair so that he’d be disguised

  


that worked for a bit and we managed to finish our drinks. but then when we were about to leave, i was like hey, can i have my stuff back. and then he goes oh! and gives that really fake smile like he actually forgot even though he probably was waiting for me to bring it up to cause psychological damage. makes sense since he’s a supernatural hitman so he’s probably used to all the mental warfare, but that’s besides the point

  


so anyway he only gave me my glasses back. the sweatshirt is a limited edition featherman red sweatshirt that i found on a bench last year so it has a lot of emotional value to me. but martin wouldn’t give it back despite the fact that i told him it was my future dead boyfriend’s favorite sweatshirt

  


and then he just left

  


there’s no moral to this story. he still has my sweatshirt. how does one solve these problems. can someone doxx him for me please

  


  


wafumurder • 8.6k points

there seems to be a lot of supernatural hitmen popping up on reddit these days 

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Joker • 3.5k points

yeah crazy how that works sometimes huh

  
they’re probably in a club together and their first initiative is to terrorize the wonderful fields of reddit

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wafumurder • 8.6k points

if i was a supernatural hitman, terrorizing reddit wouldn’t be on my list of things to do lol

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Joker • 3.5k points

well that’s probably why you weren’t recruited to be one

  
ever think of that

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wafumurder • 8.6k points

:( you’re right

  
i wasn’t good enough

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Joker • 3.5k points

wait sorry now i feel kinda bad

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Oracle • 17.5k points

what’s his full name

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Joker • 3.5k points

martin martin

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Oracle • 17.5k points

too many. does he have a middle name

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Joker • 3.5k points

joe

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Eggboinoodz • 790 points

OP, you should post this on r/AskReddit instead. This has nothing to do with this subreddit.

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Joker • 3.5k points

??

  
but this is about akechi

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Eggboinoodz • 790 points

Why did you call him Martin then?

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Joker • 3.5k points

i mean he kind of looks like one doesn’t he

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Joker • 3.5k points

he probably wore overalls and had buck teeth in middle school

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Eggboinoodz • 790 points

It appears that u/Joker just got banned.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in throwing your username into the gauntlet, please check out [this post.](https://twitter.com/nagittos/status/1300448286990532609) No guarantee that it'll be used, since I pick a random username and randomize the points, but feel free to join in if you don't mind it potentially saying random stuff.  
> Let me know if you have any questions/feedback about this skin! I coded it up in about an hour so it's... not very exciting haha.  
> [Come talk to me on twitter!](https://twitter.com/nagittos)  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! Honestly I'm very surprised at all the support given that this is a no thoughts head empty 3 AM fic haha but I hope you all enjoy this new chapter!

  


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r/relationship_advice • Posted by u/Crow  


I [18M] took an acquaintance [17M] to a jazz club.

Yesterday, I took an acquaintance of mine to the jazz club. The place is rather special to me and I have never brought anyone there with me before, so I’ll admit I was a little nervous. The acquaintance of mine is a delinquent, you see, and I was afraid he was going to leave without paying, or worse, attempt to sing on the stage. Thankfully, he did neither.

  


We sat and chatted for a while. I learned that he works many part-time jobs in his free time. When I asked if he had any hobbies, he said he enjoyed making lockpicks. I thought it was said only in jest, but then he produced one from his pocket and handed it to me.

  


In continuation of my earlier statement, thankfully he did not leave without paying or attempt to sing on stage. However, he did show me how to pick the money safe in the back of the jazz room. I made sure to barricade my door and windows when I returned home. I would not put it past him to try to break in.

  


Despite feeling that we bonded over the course of the hour, he did not ask me about jazz at all. Was it something that I did? I stayed up until 3 AM last night researching different facts about jazz for this very outing. I had been planning to demonstrate my superior intelligence about the emergence of the trumpet in jazz back in the 1920s but he managed to thwart my plan so effortlessly. What gave me away? I must know so that I will be the victor the next time we come to the jazz club again.

  


**Edit:** Unfortunately, my post was deleted by moderators. Accidentally, I presume. Luckily I have it saved, so I will post it again.

  


**Edit 2:** Please stop deleting my post.

  


**Edit 3:** I am a detective. I know my legal right to post on this subreddit.

  


**Edit 4:** Apparently this post needs to ask for advice on relationships. Fine. How do I show an acquaintance of mine that I am better than him in every way if he doesn’t ask me about jazz?

  


  


emerald_heart12 • 1.4k points

Either go to r/LegalAdvice or stop admitting to crimes on the internet.

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Crow • 973 points

No.

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Queen • 1.5k points

There was no emergence of the trumpet in the 1920s. Perhaps you should consider doing a little more research.

  
 **Edit:** OP, please stop downvoting me. You’re the only one doing it. I know that it’s you.

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Panther • 237 points

You should just go ahead and talk about it! I’m sure he wouldn’t mind

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Crow • 937 points

Are you certain?

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Panther • 237 points

Given that there’s the exact same post on r/HelpMeWithMyCrush from a [17M], talking about jazz seems to be the new hot thing right now 

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Fox • 6.9k points

Personally, I am not too interested in jazz. I would much rather talk about more enlightening topics, such as the anguish Van Gogh felt, the inner turmoil and grief he went through, when he painted the Starry Night.

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Skull • 6.4k points

p sure thats just a u thing man

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subtitlez • 1.7k points

have you tried talking to him about it? it sounds like you two might be friends already

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Crow • 973 points

No. That would be unacceptable.

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subtitlez • 1.7k points

huh? why?

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Crow • 973 points

I will be murdering him in November. I do not need to be saddled with unnecessary feelings to make my job even harder.

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subtitlez • 1.7k points

haha very funny

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subtitlez • 1.7k points

that was a joke right?

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subtitlez • 1.7k points

OP??

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r/AskReddit • Posted by u/Oracle  


kermit appears in featherman rangers season 5 episode 16! (not clickbait)

lul it was clickbait but now that you’re here you might as well keep reading

  


there’s this dude that my brother unit hangs out with. let’s call him plain jim

  


so plain jim is exactly what his name sounds like. he’s plain. he honestly looks like he got dropped in an abercrombie and finch fitting room one day. that’s how much he doesn’t stand out

  


anyway, brother unit has this weird obsession with bringing plain jim to places. like the arcade the other day. now, i normally would have let him go by himself because he’s a big boy and i’m not like one of those oniichan oniichan little sisters in anime, but the cat would not stop talking about some weird tension in the air, and hey, i’m the international hacker of justice for two reasons (1. getting anime episodes early and 2. making sure the brother unit doesn’t make it past first base), so i hacked the arcade security cameras to spy on them just in case

  


so they start playing the shooting game and the brother unit is struggling. he looks so cool and all in the metaverse but here he looks like a freshman walking into the wrong room on the first day of classes. i could physically feel him sweating. that’s how bad it was

  


meanwhile, plain jim is holding the gun with one hand, doing 360 no look head shots, and i’m pretty sure he even put his gun down to flip his hair back at one point. why?? he had a free hand! his hair isn’t even that long that the hair flip was necessary. grrrrrrr. normies suck. death to normies

  


anyway, despite the many breaks to hair flip and wipe his sweaty palms and i’m pretty sure he even went to get a drink at the vending machine at one point, plain jim managed to double the brother unit’s score. and then he gave the brother unit his best fake smile and said “better luck next time.” you know. like a SUPERVILLAIN

  


so reddit, my question for you is: do you think this proves that plain jim is the guy who has been going around murdering people’s shadows? obviously a lot of people are good at shooting games, and i’m not going to accuse the elementary school kid my brother unit hangs out with of mass murder, DUH, but he’s still suspicious, right?

  


i mean, no one can have max charm and have gun stats up to 100 and still be willing to hang out with the brother unit without being at least a little evil

  


now i realize i might not get responses based on this post alone, so here are some more details i found out that may help you

  


his phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX

  


his credit card number is XXXX-XXXX-XXXX. give me gold and i’ll give you the three little numbers

  


personally, even if he’s not an assassin, i’m pretty sure he still goes around stealing breadcrumbs from stray cats

  


  


Mishima • 9.6k points

Mods, you should delete this post.

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Oracle • 17.5k points

mwehehe they already tried

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RikaRovy • 116 points

international hacker of justice?

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Oracle • 17.5 points

yeeee i’m medjed

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RikaRovy • 116 points

huh??

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Joker • 3.5k points

for someone who talks about secrecy all the time you’re really bad about keeping quiet about that one

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Oracle • 17.5k points

you know how the saying goes. if someone’s trying to hack your password, you should just give it to them  
\\( ﾟヮﾟ)/ then they won’t be interested in it anymore

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Queen • 1.5k points

I don’t think that’s how that works…

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amorecherie_606 • 2.4k points

people’s… shadows?

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tsunemories • 7.9k points

lol why is reddit so weird

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Crow • 973 points

In my completely unbiased opinion, I do not think that this “Plain Jim” of yours is an assassin.

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Crow • 973 points

Why did you only respond to the comment below mine?

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Joker • 3.5k points

i also don’t think he’s an assassin

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Oracle • 17.5k points

really? what’s your proof

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Joker • 3.5k points

have you ever met anyone bad who liked featherman

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Oracle • 17.5k points

oh true

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1.8k

  


  
r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Joker  


i think i’m on social rank 6 now

hey! it’s been awhile since i last posted so i wanted to update the situation with george

  


we went to the bathhouse together, hence the title, because i wouldn’t shower with someone until at LEAST rank 2

  


anyway, luckily the place was all empty so we had it to ourselves. we talked for a bit. i told him things like how i got a raise at the flower shop this past week. he told me things like how his dad left him when he was young and sometimes when he eats at fancy restaurants he can remember being poor all those years ago. all in all, i think it was a pretty equal conversation

  


after we got out of the bath, he said we should have a race and see who puts on their clothes fastest. now, that was such a juvenile and frankly childish idea that is deeply below my maturity level and yeah, of course i said yes, who do you think i am

  


so we got dressed and i stole his dumb argyle sweater to sabotage him, but then he stole my jacket and wouldn’t give it back so i guess the match ended in a draw

  


my question for the reddit today: what do i do? i don’t want to take initiative and give the sweater back because then i’ll lose the match but i also don’t want that thing in my wardrobe either. my friends won’t stop making fun of me for it. they say i have grandma taste. help

  


**Edit:** if you’re wondering about the sweatshirt from last time, i have given up on it. thank you for all those who offered to doxx him for me. i found his address and tried to climb in through the windows but it was barricaded?? for some reason??? he’s probably hiding a dead body inside. that or featherman hentai

  


  


EditorSpooky • 2.2k points

wait how did he get unbanned

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notsofatpinkcat • 5.3k points

It hasn’t been awhile. It’s literally only been 3 days.

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Joker • 3.5k points

well… yeah :3

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notsofatpinkcat • 5.3k points

Don’t any of your other friends want to hang out with you?

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Joker • 3.5k points

not after seeing that argyle sweater, no

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cunningcapra • 368 points

is george the same as martin

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Joker • 3.5k points

yeah it’s his mom’s maiden name

  
did you know that his mom was a night worker and she would always come home late, and sometimes she had to send george to the bathhouse when there were people over, so it’s a place that he associates with a lot of unhappy memories but when he’s with someone as _interesting_ and _fascinating_ as me—

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Oracle • 17.5k points

you were listening pretty closely huh

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Joker • 3.5k points

i mean he was right next to me

  
it was either that or stare at his naked chest

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reveriesky • 7.7k points

And you didn’t?? Do the latter????

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Joker • 3.5k points

hey i have two eyes and two ears i can do both

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might not be a new chapter next week since discord au is ending and i want to focus on that, but we'll see!  
> [quick shill for gamer au discord fic hehe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25038808/chapters/60639148)
> 
> [come talk to me on twitter!](https://twitter.com/nagittos)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos!!

  


3.2k

  


  
r/AmITheAsshole • Posted by u/Skull  


AITA for laughing when someone else is in pain?

man i didnt rly wanna post here but u/Panther is making me so here goes nothing ig

  


someone famous came to our school the other day and its no secret that i dont like him. hes so snobby and stuckup and smart and successful and all the girls have hots for him even tho hes not even that good looking. sheesh ( **Edit from u/Panther:** He definitely is, u/Skull is just jealous. Take it from a girl who spends a lot of time around good looking guys!)

  


anyway, he and my best bro have something going on. im not rly sure wat it is but my best bro swears that theyre hanging out for science. w/e. oh i should prob mention that the famous dude is planning to shoot my best bro in a few weeks and make it look like suicide. we have it all on recording. my bro still hangs with him tho so we all kinda roll with it

  


so me and my friends were at the school festival just minding our own business and mr stuckup comes over and makes conversation, and by that i mean he talks to himself and forces us to listen. theres just something about his voice that makes me feel like even if someone kicked a soccer ball through the window into his face, i wouldnt rly mind. but u/Panther says thats kinda mean, so ig i would mind a little. glass is a pain to clean up

  


anyway mr stuckup just keeps yapping away even though he can def hear the cat talking about his ugly hair and the fact that there’s a coffee stain on his coat. i def wouldve thrown mona outside if he said something like that to me

  


and then after he finishes talking, he just looks at us like he expects a response even tho the only one actually listening to him was my best bro, but thats bc my best bro always gets this weird dreamy look in his eyes whenever mr stuckup is talking (btwn u and me, does that mean hes on drugs??)

  


and then mr stuckup takes one of the takoyaki we had. it was ground from the freshest octopus that they caught in the school pond just 5 min before they served it to us, so it was rly high class stuff yeah. prob cost a million yen. and the dude just takes it like he has any right

  


turns out the takoyaki was spicy, and mr stuckup cant stand spicy, so he started hacking and crying and all around looking like a mess. my best bro got that weird dreamy look in his eyes again which now that i think about it is kinda a weird reaction to have when the dude is in tears, but w/e it was too funny so i started laughing a lot

  


now that mr stuckup is gone u/Panther is mad at me bc i laughed and took a lot of pics of him waddling around like a penguin. but c’mon. just think about it. if you saw the biggest enemy to all men out there gagging on a piece of takoyaki youd crack up too

  


  


Crow • 973 points

You’re the asshole.

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Joker • 3.5k points

where are the pics op

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tanjchuuya • 2.4k points

YTA. I don’t even need to read the rest of the post.

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tanjchuuya • 2.4k points

Never mind. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

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Skull • 6.4k points

no the takoyaki was hot actually

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Queen • 1.5k points

u/Skull, it’s a proverb. Please pay attention in school…

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Skull • 6.4k points

o oops is that math or smth

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Queen • 1.5k points

…

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Crow • 973 points

You’re the asshole.

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willpxwered • 6.0k points

You have evidence that he’s planning murder? Shouldn’t you bring that to the police?

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Crow • 973 points

I AM the police.

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Joker • 3.5k points

i have a plan don’t worry

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willpxwered • 6.0k points

Really? What’s the plan?

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Joker • 3.5k points

going to put legos in front of the interrogation room so he can’t get in

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Crow • 973 points

You’re the asshole.

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Skull • 6.4k points

sheesh i get it, stop sending the same thing

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Crow • 973 points

You’re the asshole.

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Crow • 973 points

My apologies. It looks like I accidentally clicked the enter button too many times.

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Skull • 6.4k points

dude the msgs r like 5 hrs apart, no ones believing that lol

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Crow • 973 points

You’re the asshole.

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5.8k

  


  
r/relationship_advice • Posted by u/Crow  


I [18M] played billiards with [17M] last night.

Yesterday, I brought an acquaintance of mine to play billiards again. While I do say acquaintance, he has evolved into something more these past few weeks. I had thought the word to describe him to be rival, but when I returned home for the evening I searched up my feelings in a dictionary and it appears that I was mistaken. The dictionary said that the proper term for this type of relationship is “enemy”, so I will be using that to refer to him from now on.

  


We had been to play billiards before, and I beat him easily despite using my non-dominant hand. However, he must have practiced hard in his free time, because he managed to best me. Mind you, I was still using my non-dominant hand. And I am also a detective with plenty of work to do every day while he is merely a student who talks to his cat. I am certain that if I had practiced even a tenth of what he must have, I would have beaten him easily. But no matter.

  


After he defeated me (with all the handicaps), he had this very smug look on his face. His mouth was doing a weird curled up thing and I wanted it to be gone because it was making me feel nauseous. Since we are, by definition, enemies, would it be appropriate if I ran him over with a bicycle? The alternative would be to shoot him but as I planned to do so in two weeks, it would be inappropriate and frankly cause a lot of trouble to switch the plan this last minute.

  


  


jac_pigeon • 9.4k points

Oh! I’ve been waiting all day for this post. The exciting adventures of Martin Joe George Martin and his [17M] assassination target continues.

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Crow • 973 points

Excuse me?

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Joker • 3.5k points

what feelings did you look up

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Crow • 973 points

I hate him. He is enjoyable to pass time with, but I feel an overwhelming urge to beat him at absolute everything. Even if that includes childish whims such as who can grab the last melon bread. I also sometimes dream of putting a bullet hole in his forehead often. Though that might be because I am anticipating doing so in reality in a couple weeks.

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Skull • 6.4k points

dude sounds like ur just confused

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Panther • 237 points

What u/Skull said!

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inkyubee • 368 points

Don’t listen to the above commenters. Judging from their post histories, they’re slightly insane. I would recommend you find a therapist.

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Joker • 3.5k points

oh i know a good one

  
he’s so good at his job that you’ll forget you’re not the actual therapist in the room

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taeggukslilily • 3.4k points

is no one going to talk about the bullet part

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Joker • 3.5k points

no

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Panther • 237 points

No

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Skull • 6.4k points

no

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Crow • 937 points

No.

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CrimeboyUwU • 5.5k points

you don’t… have to use your gun for everything dude

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Crow • 937 points

But how else would I solve my problems?

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CrimeboyUwU • 5.5k points

…

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2.6k

  


  
r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Joker  


click for a picture of the most perfect man you’ve ever seen

hey guys quick question, i thought robin hood was supposed to be a thief of justice or whatever and aren’t most thieves supposed to be quick and nimble and small. but look at this dude. this absolute unit. what

  


sorry the camera quality is a little low. i was trying to take a picture of it discretely but my friend freddy is like, a detective prince, and that rpg class starts with the camera detection skill or something. he always knew when i was using the camera and he kept drifting in front of it and giving that fake interview smile of his. i don’t even think he was doing it on purpose. he just literally couldn’t stop himself from hogging up the camera. ugh. i think he’s literally the perfect human being

  


but of course i would dump him in an instance for robin hood. i mean, the dude literally has a big cool bow and shoots light arrows everywhere. he also can do curse attacks, which is kinda breaching into my territory, so not too hot on that, but everything else is great

  


meanwhile, freddy is standing there in his snowman outfit holding a literal light saber and he trips over his feet trying to show off. i don’t think there’s a question who wins the cool competition here

  


anyway here’s a pic of robin hood. i know this is r/AkechiThirstClub but i think we all need to take a moment to appreciate this beautiful beautiful thing. r/RobinHoodThirstClub anyone?

  
  


  


wallowdust • 9.6k points

What the fuck is that.

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Joker • 3.5k points

my new husband

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1ug1a • 619 points

Perfect human being? Isn’t he planning to shoot you soon? (What’s the ETA on that, by the way?)

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Joker • 3.5k points

minor character flaws

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Joker • 3.5k points

we can look past those right

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Joker • 3.5k points

even though he’s a mass murderer i assure you he has done nothing wrong in his entire life

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Joker • 3.5k points

(6 days! thanks for asking, it means a lot)

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imusingthisforf • 1.4k points

i thought this post was about akechi-kun :(

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Joker • 3.5k points

huh? why would you think that

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imusingthisforf • 1.4k points

because he’s cute :(

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Joker • 3.5k points

i think you’re maybe in the wrong subreddit

  
this is r/AkechiThirstClub not r/BadTasteClub

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew i managed to scrounge something together haha
> 
> come talk to me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/nagittos)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos!

  


3.8k

  


  
r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Joker  


gloveglovegloveglove GLOVEGLOVE glo

hi my friend teriyaki and i had our first date today, well i guess it wasn’t exactly the first since we’ve also been to the aquarium and bath house and stuff, but he took me to the metaverse, which was meh, and then asked to duel, which was great, and then pointed his gun at me, which was hot. so all in all, pretty good start

  


so we fought and teriyaki has an ego the size of tokyo, like he’s always acting nice and saying stuff like oh! i’m sure you would win if we played again. but if you actually beat him he still smiles but then he acts like he’s about to take the cue stick and slice you in half with it and then flush the left half down the toilet and mince the right half up with a cheese grater before cooking it on the grill and feeding it to the neighborhood birds

  


which is still hot but i also don’t want to get murdered. my cat says i need to get help. i don’t need help. i just need teriyaki to kiss me :(

  


and then he threw his glove at me

  


HIS GLOVE!!

  


he said something about it being a tradition in some western country in 200 BC but i wasn’t even listening because the glove was warm and probably smelled like him and i tried to discretely smell it but i think he noticed because he made a constipated face, though i’m not sure if that was in reaction to my sniff or not because his face always looks like that

  


he didn’t ask for it back which is good because i wouldn’t have given it back. it’s sitting right next to me as i type this. my new pet glove. my cat got jealous and left for the evening which is fine, because i will just pet teriyaki’s glove instead. who needs emotional support animals anyway when you can just stare wistfully and probably unhealthily at the sweaty fabric of a teriyaki who is going to murder you in a couple weeks?

  


  


Reishockey • 738 points

martin -> george -> teriyaki 

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Joker • 3.5k points

i’m hungry and it’s 5 am and u/oracle ate up all the curry in the store :(

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emerlene_ • 1.2k points

no i think ur cat is right, u do need help

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MMET_T • 6.0k points

Why did the right half get a much harsher treatment?

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Joker • 3.5k points

he lost at billiards with his right hand and he won’t stop talking about how the only reason why he didn’t win is because he was playing with his non-dominant hand

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snow_amami • 7.7k points

is it too late to ask what a metaverse is

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4.5k

  


  
r/AmITheAsshole • Posted by u/Crow  


Am I the asshole for shooting my rival in the face and setting it up to look like a suicide to fulfill the final step of my revenge plot against my bastard father?

Please read the entire post before you give me a verdict based on the title. I know that a lot of the users on this subreddit cannot read before jumping to conclusions, and I assure you that the post will make you change your mind.

  


My father is the biggest scum on the earth. He used my mother and tossed her aside after she served her purpose. She committed suicide when I was eight, and I was passed through the foster system for several years. She mentioned his name once, and I have never forgotten it. Every night, I hear his name. Every night, I see his face.

  


He is a man in a position of power. As an orphan, there was nothing I could do to reach him. However, I decided to lend him my power instead. I will build him up to be the greatest man on earth. And then, while he is at the very pinnacle of power, I will tell him who I am. That I was his bastard child. That the boy he abandoned all those years ago was the one responsible for his empire. That look of despair on his face is all I yearn for in life.

  


Unfortunately, [17M] was a casualty of war. He and his friends have been causing trouble for my father, and it was only a matter of time before they had to be erased as well. My father asked me to murder [17M] myself and make it look like a suicide. I was glad that he asked me to do this job. [17M] and I have spent a lot of time together and it would not be right if someone else saw his last moments. I felt that I had earned that right.

  


Perhaps he did not think the same. He must have felt nothing but hatred toward me, after all, seeing me walk through the door and point a gun at him. He has always been a quiet person, but he never held back when it was just the two of us. However, in that room, he said nothing to me. I wish he had. Seeing him go quietly… it wasn’t how I imagined at all.

  


I have been dreaming of this day for months. Sometimes, I see us fighting for control of the gun. Sometimes, he wins, and he’s the one writing a post about this traitor who would have been better off dead. Sometimes, I win, but not after suffering several bruises and wounds to match the ones that had been inflicted on him.

  


I never expected it to be this easy.

  


Perhaps that uneasiness I felt over the whole affair was what caused me to vomit after the ordeal. I have done this several times already, and it normally does not make me feel so terrible.

  


I forgot why I made this post.

  


Oh, that’s right. I wanted to ask if I was the asshole. I hope that I explained my reasoning well enough about why it had to be done, despite what my feelings on the matter are. [17M] was looking at the world through narrowed eyes. I am looking at the bigger picture.

  


  


catboytaxfraud • 6.9k points

YTA.

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Crow • 973 points

Did you read the post?

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catboytaxfraud • 6.9k points

Yeah? You deserve a reward. I have never read a more decisive title that somehow got even worse in the actual post.

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imagymnasia • 8.3k points

you… wanted revenge? so you decided to help the guy who ruined your life?

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Crow • 973 points

Yes. This way, he would not suspect anything until my plan had been carried out.

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imagymnasia • 8.3k points

i’m sorry to say this… but i think you need to get help outside of reddit

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Crow • 973 points

[17M] did offer to help multiple times. Though unfortunately I will not be able to take him up on his offer anymore.

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imagymnasia • 8.3k points

:(

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Skull • 6.4k points

dude i dont even kno wat was going on btwn u and akira but u rly decided to throw all that away 4 such a stupid reason?

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Queen • 1.5k points

He was always worried about you when you weren’t around. He kept speaking about how he wanted to reach you, but you always pulled away when he tried.

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Panther • 237 points

Mona says he kept your glove

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0

  


  
r/AskReddit • Posted by u/Panther  


How do you help someone who doesn’t want to be saved?

I’m typing this in a very dark room moments before a big battle is going to happen, so I’m sorry if anything doesn’t make sense. I just… I just don’t know what to do. And I’m so scared that something is going to happen that can’t be reversed.

  


My friend, let’s call him AK, has a really big crush on this guy who I’ll call AG. Due to some… pretty unfortunate circumstances, they had a rather big fight and haven’t talked to each other for a couple of weeks. AG thought he was dead. AK had no choice but to stare at AG’s glove all day. It’s… complicated.

  


But now we’re here, and AG has discovered that AK is alive. I thought he’d be happier. Both of them always deny it, but I can see the way they look at each other when they think no one’s looking. And ask any of my friends. I’m not the most perceptive person in the world. So if even I noticed and can see how much they need each other, well, then that must mean they’re really obvious.

  


But AG’s really mad and he’s attacking us. We beat him once but he kept going. AK has always said that he’s a sore loser, but this seems even beyond that. I… I feel like we’re watching a desperate animal with nothing left to lose. But he does have things left! AK wants to save him so much. I can feel his frustration. But AG just bats away his hand every time.

  


How do I help someone who doesn’t want to be saved? At this rate, I’m scared that one of them is going to end up dead. Neither of them want to fight. They’re just two high school boys. Why did it come to this? They were playing footsie under the table just weeks ago. I hate this! I hate this so much!

  


Please. I don’t know what to do. I want to help them both. I know some of my friends don’t like AG for very valid reason, but I want to help him too. What do I do?

  


**Edit:** I’m… sorry for posting this rather overemotional text well. I hadn’t meant to press the button, but, well, some things happened. I’m going to remove this post in five minutes, but for those of you who took the time to read this, I’ll give a small update: AK is fine physically. Thank you for all the concern.

  


AG is… um. Sorry.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/nagittos)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's ignore the fact that this is two days late haha...

  


79k

  


  
r/AmITheAsshole • Posted by u/Crow  


Am I the Asshole for taking the easy way out and sacrificing myself for my rival without letting him have any say in it?

I do not think I have much time left. I can feel myself getting weaker and there is so much blood everywhere. The Meta Nav seems to have disappeared from my phone. I do not know if that means my will to fight has disappeared. I certainly feel like lying down and never getting up ever again. The engine room is a sad and disgusting backdrop. But it is a fitting grave for my life.

  


I had not planned to post anything. But my finger accidentally hit the camera button on my phone, and I found myself face to face with several hundreds of pictures that [17M] had sent me. Even after all this time, I do not understand him. He knew what I had done, yet still agreed to spend time with me. He knew what I was planning to do, yet still worried for me.

  


He knew who I was, yet still reached out anyway.

  


I wish I had met him earlier. I wish that I wasn’t on the floor bleeding out alone. I wish we could have just been two normal boys, instead of a [17M] with the whole Tokyo to save, and a [18M] who was set on tearing it down. Fated enemies from the very beginning.

  


My eyes are slipping shut, and I do not see my father’s face anymore. Instead, I see his. Full of desperation, betrayal, and frustration. I wonder what he thinks of me now. Will he be thankful that I finally did something right in my life and saved him? Or will he forget about me quickly, just another enemy he had to beat down in his pursuit of greatness?

  


I realize I do not have any right to hope for anything, and will most likely never find out the answer regardless. But I find myself selfishly wishing that it’s not the latter.

  


Am I the Asshole for shutting the bulkhead door? I don’t think that I am. These hands that have taken so many lives have finally saved one. I do not regret it. I do wish I had gotten the chance to say goodbye. But perhaps it is better that I didn’t.

  


Joker, I’m sorry.

  


  


Joker • 3.5k points

You’re the asshole.

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Joker • 3.5k points

You’re the asshole.

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Joker • 3.5k points

You’re the asshole!!

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Joker • 3.5k points

You’re so stupid. Why did you do that? You said you didn’t believe that there were any heroes left in this world. Then why did you have to go and be one?

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Joker • 3.5k points

You’re right. You’re always so selfish. You just do whatever you want without considering how other people feel.

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Joker • 3.5k points

I know you were in some deep shit. I probably won’t be able to understand a lot of it. But I wanted to help you. I wanted to help you so much. I wish… I wish I could have saved you, Akechi. You might not have any regrets. But I will regret that for the rest of my life.

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Joker • 3.5k points

Hey… it’s been a day. It still hurts a lot. I had Futaba lock down this post for me. I’m not really sure why I’m posting this here where millions of others can read. I don’t know. Maybe there’s still some part of me that hopes that wherever you are, you’ll get that little Reddit notification and know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you.

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Joker • 3.5k points

Do you remember that time we were supposed to go to some sort of festival but it started raining, so we stayed in Leblanc and played chess instead? I never told you, but I’m kind of glad we got rained in. Even when we don’t do anything out of the ordinary, I have so much fun when I’m with you.

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Joker • 3.5k points

They’re selling light sabers in the toy store across from the train station. I bought one. It’s here in the attic for when you come back. Futaba says you still have two seasons of Featherman you need to marathon with her.

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Joker • 3.5k points

I finally read some of Hegel’s works today. It was really boring. I never want to do that ever again. I hope you come back as my reward for sitting through that.

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Joker • 3.5k points

Hey. Shido confessed to everything. He didn’t mention anything about you, and I’m glad he didn’t. You deserve better than to be dragged down with him. I… I wish you were here to see it. You worked so hard for this. You threw away your entire life just to bring him down. It’s not fair that the world took you away before you could witness his fall with your own eyes. You… you deserved to be the one to deal the final blow.

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Joker • 3.5k points

There’s something weird going on with Mementos, so the Phantom Thieves are gathering for our last (for real this time) mission. Isn’t it funny? You said that Sae’s Palace would be our last infiltration ever, but then we had to go through that horrible ship, and now the metaverse is even bleeding into the real world, as if trying to tell us that we can’t stop doing this. Just kidding. You probably have a lot of bad memories associated with it. But… I think the first time I saw you do that dorky little dance in your prince outfit was the first time that I realized I was in love with you.

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Joker • 3.5k points

Come back to me, Akechi.

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Joker • 3.5k points

I still have your glove.

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92k

  


  
r/AskReddit • Posted by u/Fox  


Is it strange to want to paint your friend and his archenemy when they are fighting together?

I did not think that there was anything wrong with my actions, but u/Oracle said that it was very strange and that I should ask the wonderful and knowledgeable and sensible people of Reddit, so here I am.

  


My friend has an archenemy that he spends a lot of time with. I… hm? Oh, I have been informed that I should give them fake names. Very well. My friend, Pablo, has an archenemy, Michelangelo, that he spends a lot of time with. The two of them have had some minor disagreements in the past, but I believe that everything has been sorted out now.

  


I should elaborate on the disagreements more? Very well. For further clarification, these minor disagreements include:

  


  * Michelangelo cognitively shot Pablo in the head. However, do not fret. It was merely in the cognitive realm, and Pablo did not actually die.
  * Pablo had to fake death, and the two of them dueled when they ran into each other again. Pablo weakened Michelangelo to the point where Michelangelo’s evil counterpart, manifested from his father’s cognition of him, came and shot him. However, do not fret. It was merely in the cognitive realm, and Michelangelo also did not actually die.
  * We have moved on past these incidences. It turns out that Pablo forgives people rather easily. It turns out that Michelangelo also forgives people rather easily when there is a therapist who is trying to bend reality.



We are currently in another cognitive realm. Thankfully, neither of them have died yet. However, that is not due to the lack of trying. Pablo appears to be trying to court Michelangelo even during battle. Michelangelo in return seems to be genuinely trying to kill Pablo. Every time Pablo protects him from an attack, Michelangelo tries to shove him at the enemies. Every time Pablo gets brainwashed, Michelangelo uses the blunt side of his sword to slap him awake. (I will admit, I am a little miffed by his actions. We spend hours before every infiltration folding the paper fans. I have achieved mastery of the art of paper folding. Why does Michelangelo refuse to use them?! My anguish is unparalleled.)

  


But I digress. Michelangelo and Pablo have come up with a rather dazzling attack where they both charge the enemies together. Michelangelo goes and stabs the enemy between seven and ten times. I have noticed that the number varies depending on how many kisses Pablo blows in his direction. Today, it was a ten.

  


After Michelangelo finishes stabbing, Pablo comes in and deals the final blow by shooting the enemy in the head. He calls it teamwork. Michelangelo calls it stealing kills. They are still arguing about these logistics even now. I find it beautiful.

  


And thus. Therefore. Hitherto. I wish to paint the two of them while they are fighting. I am already making concessions. Pure art would be to paint the naked human body, its true essence bare and wonderfully displayed for the world to see. But when I suggested that he fight nude, Michelangelo pushed me out of the cat van. Perhaps he will warm up to the idea if I ask a few more times. But for now, I would simply like to paint their deadly dance.

  


I have been informed that I am “creepy” and “weird” and that “inari you don’t blink at all when you draw, it’s so weird and your eyes get super dry and the red veins pop out and ewww”.

  


  


PancakeBishLord • 2.3k points

there’s… um… a lot to unpack in this post

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Fox • 6.9k points

I believe I explained everything rather well.

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PancakeBishLord • 2.3k points

ok sure buddy. let’s take this line: “Pablo weakened Michelangelo to the point where Michelangelo’s evil counterpart, manifested from his father’s cognition of him, came and shot him.”

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Fox • 6.9k points

Yes? Do such things not occur to you as well?

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PancakeBishLord • 2.3k points

no????????????

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Aehoyn • 4.1k points

I’m SO glad both of you are okay! I was so worried after that viral r/AmITheAsshole post last month.

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Joker • 3.5k points

thanks! i’m really glad neither of us are dead too

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Crow • 973 points

That simply means I am not trying hard enough.

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Joker • 3.5k points

haha don’t kill me, i’m too sexy

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ShadowCathedral • 420 points

i’m honestly a little terrified of u/Oracle she sounds like the agent of chaos

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Oracle • 17.5k points

mwehehe you should be, 9302

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ShadowCathedral • 420 points

9302?

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Oracle • 17.5k points

the last 4 digits of your cc

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Maruki • 119.2k points

May I have a copy of the drawing when you are finished? I’m a big fan.

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Fox • 6.9k points

Certainly.

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Crow • 973 points

You.

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Maruki • 119.2k points

Oh hello! Sorry, I don’t think I recognize your username. Are you a frequent poster on the subreddit?

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Joker • 3.5k points

subreddit?

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Maruki •119.2k points

Yes. I’m the head mod of r/akeshuake. Please drop by when you have time!

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Joker • 3.5k points

sure thing

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Crow • 973 points

Die.

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0

  


  
r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Joker  


Does anyone remember him?

This place used to be so busy. I would come home every day after school and scroll through this subreddit for random facts and slightly stalkerish photos from fellow Akechi fans and it was so great. There would be at least one controversial post every day about something stupid like Akechi’s favorite color that would inevitably end up in a whole fandom war. Good times.

  


But now there’s no one here anymore. I doubt anyone even remembers that this subreddit exists.

  


After all, you disappeared from everyone’s memories.

  


Hey Akechi, why did you do it? Why did you come back and give me hope that you were ok, that we could make everything right, and then disappear again? Why did you not tell me that you were dead all this time?

  


Why did you make me reject Maruki’s deal?

  


I can’t talk to the other Phantom Thieves about this. Some of them have made their peace with you. Some of them even forgive you. But I can’t keep bringing up a ghost, not when I made them give up their happiness just so we could come back to our true reality.

  


I wish people still remembered you. I wish this subreddit was still popping with stupid memes like when someone badly photoshopped a clown outfit on you.

  


It doesn’t even need to be anything meaningful. I just don’t want to be the only one who remembers you. Who remembers what you did for this world, what you sacrificed, what you fought for.

  


But now, it’s just me here. I’ve scrolled so far back. I know you never visited this subreddit, just one of the millions of forums for the great Goro Akechi. But for me, it was a place I could share with other people who loved you. There were some really iconic moments. Like the time someone wrote a whole meta essay about why you liked the coffee at Wilton Café the best, and I had to jump in and throw mental hands and almost got banned from this subreddit for the fourth time that week.

  


But it was worth it.

  


You’ll have to pry my memories of you in Leblanc from my cold dead hands.

  


…hey Akechi. I miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I had been a little more selfish and reached for your hand every time you turned away. I wish I could just be with you, without having to worry about any assassination plans or world domination.

  


I wish…

  


I wish that we didn’t have to postpone our rematch until the next life.

  


post reply: lol i photoshopped a clown outfit on akechi and he doesn't look any different • Posted by u/Joker

  


• 

  


  
from u/Crow • via r/AkechiThirstClub sent 2 minutes ago  


Die.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternately titled: akira is sad, then not sad, then sad again  
> i can't believe next chapter is the last chapter. probably because i feel like nothing has been solved yet haha. i'll try to get to it sometime in the coming weeks!
> 
> come talk to me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/nagittos)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all your support!

  


7

  


  
r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Joker  


welcome to the new phantom thieves hideout

i know the metaverse is gone and all so we’re not really technically phantom thieves anymore, but we could still keep the group together right? like we could go actually steal from the rich and give to the poor. real modern day robin hoods (hehe see what i did there)

  


and since this subreddit is still here, might as well make use of it as an official hideout

  


what do you guys think?

  


  


Crow • 973 points

I refuse to use this subreddit.

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Queen • 1.5k points

That’s the part you had an issue with?

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Oracle • 17.5k points

lol why

  
no one remembers you anyway so we might as well put this to use

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Crow • 973 points

I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea.

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Joker • 3.5k points

Name one.

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Crow • 973 points

The flairs on this subreddit are pictures of my ass.

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Joker • 3.5k points

sounds like a win to me

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Crow • 973 points

Joker, do not think I didn’t notice that all of these are credited to your username.

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Joker • 3.5k points

u/Oracle you said you’d hide all my involvement here!!

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Oracle • 17.5k points

it’s important to credit artists ٩( ᐛ )و

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Crow • 973 points

When did you have the chance to take all these?

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Joker • 3.5k points

uh

  
which ones

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Crow • 973 points

Let’s start with the one that’s named “dammmn son”

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Joker • 3.5k points

oh the dammmn son series, a personal fav

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Crow • 973 points

…it’s a series?

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Joker • 3.5k points

that one was at penguin sniper

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Crow • 973 points

I see. So you desecrated our competition.

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Joker • 3.5k points

i did not! just because i was taking pictures and admiring the goods between shots doesn’t mean i wasn’t trying my best

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Crow • 973 points

And #43?

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Joker • 3.5k points

oh, sae’s palace when we were crawling through the vents

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Crow • 973 points

…is that why you always insisted I went first? And were you really crawling through the vent with one hand and taking pictures with the other?

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Oracle • 17.5k points

never underestimate the power of horny

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Joker • 3.5k points

never underestimate the power of love

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Joker • 3.5k points

hey :(

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Joker • 3.5k points

u/Oracle can you mod me, I want to add more flairs

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Crow • 973 points

Never speak to me again.

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Joker • 3.5k points

dw this series isn’t that bad

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Crow • 973 points

Remove my biceps from your flair before you respond to me ever again.

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Oracle • 17.5k points

sure

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Crow • 973 points

Can you mod me as well?

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Oracle • 17.5k points

no

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Crow • 973 points

At the risk of sounding vain, this is quite literally a subreddit about me.

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Oracle • 17.5k points

you’re just going to nuke the place

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Crow • 973 points

If I give you my word that I will not delete the subreddit, will you mod me?

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Oracle • 3.5k points

:x

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Joker • 3.5k points

??? whoa what happened to the layout of this subreddit

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Oracle • 17.5k points

LOL

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Joker • 3.5k points

akechi? did you grow a sense of humor while you were dead??

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Oracle • 17.5k points

and in classic fashion, u/Joker was banned from r/AkechiThirstClub once again

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7

  


  
r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Oracle  


yooo look what i found

  


98k

  


  
r/akeshuake • Posted by u/Maruki  


I’m Writing an Akeshu Fanfiction – Please Help

Hello everyone. After spending so much time on this subreddit, I decided to pursue writing fanfiction of this wonderful ship. I have the basic premises mapped out, but it wouldn’t hurt to have extra eyes to look over it.

  


The two of them now live in a Tokyo where no one is unhappy. I know that may be hard to believe, but I promise you guys will witness what I’m talking about soon enough. But for now, please trust my word that they will be happy and all their problems will be solved.

  


I imagine that Akechi-kun will be resistant to the idea at first, but I’m sure he’ll come around with Kurusu-kun there to help him. Now, I am admittedly a little biased toward Kurusu-kun since he’s done me a huge favor, so I want to make sure he’s happy in the story.

  


Do you think he’d prefer the Detective Prince version, the Black Mask version, or maybe a bit of both? Personally, I think the Detective Prince version is a better fit. The other one is very mean and I often worry that his words will cause irreparable mental damage to Kurusu-kun, though they never seem to bother him. Maybe I can go with my original plan of taking the Detective Prince version and simply lowering Kurusu-kun’s masochistic stats by a little. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

  


After I make some edits to their personalities and finalize their characterizations, I want to start brainstorming their futures. They would preferably get married right away. Do you think it would be vain to write myself in as the priest who marries them? Hm. If I get a haircut the day before, then maybe they won’t notice. Or I can simply make them not notice. At the writer’s discretion or something like that, right?

  


I’m thinking after all the trouble they went through, they will want to settle down and live the rest of their lives peacefully. Maybe a remote village or something of that sort. I know it will be difficult for Kurusu-kun to see his friends from there, but I truly believe that it will be the best for him. Besides, most of his friends will have happy lives to live and they might not have time for him, and I do not want to see him upset at that fact. He has Akechi-kun, and I believe that is enough to make him happy.

  


  


futuresoon • 720 points

So it’s an AU then?

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Maruki • 119.2k points

It’s not supposed to be? Is there something that gave you that impression? I can change it.

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futuresoon • 720 points

Everyone knows that the _real_ Goro Akechi wouldn’t pass up the chance to die.

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spanish_sahara • 1.8k points

make him bald

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Maruki • 119.2k points

I’m afraid I will have to veto this one.

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spanish_sahara • 1.8k points

coward

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cruellae • 9.5k points

get rid of that sweater vest please. my grandpa would like it back

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kitaakes • 84.3k points

vineyard vines or bust

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Crow • 973 points

Motherfucker.

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Joker • 3.5k points

wow people really don’t like your fashion tastes huh

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Fox • 6.9k points

That is really not surprising. Considering the wardrobe I have seen you wear on a daily basis, I would recommend a complete overhaul if you do not want people to stare whenever you go out in public.

  


While we are on the topic, I am glad that you have stopped wearing the same clothes you used to while you were the Detective Prince. I always considered it rather strange that someone so beloved by the public would dress in some of the clothing that you had. That is why I asked to paint you nude many times. Your taste in visually unappealing clothing aside, your body is beautiful enough that I am able to ignore minor lapses in judgment. 

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Crow • 973 points

Fucking just end me.

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Fox • 6.9k points

But why? I had thought I was giving you helpful advice.

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Crow • 973 points

u/Maruki Here’s a suggestion. Major character death. Just kill me. Put me out of my misery.

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Maruki • 119.2k points

Ah, Akechi-kun! At the risk of sounding rude, I uh already tried. But clearly it didn’t work, which is great!

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Crow • 973 points

Try harder.

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14k

  


  
r/relationship_advice • Posted by u/Joker  


first date went too well, and now i’m afraid my boyfriend wants to elope

hello reddit. my boyfriend-except-not-really-because-he-looks-constipated-when-i-call-him-that and i went on our first official real date together where we weren’t rivals trying to mind game each other, or at least that’s what he was doing, i was just making eyes at him honestly

  


**[INFO]** what kind of mind games? well i remember one time he brought me to a shooting range and headshot the target without looking and then turned to me and said “this could be you.” he wasn’t being serious but i thought he was because he did shoot me the month before. which, y’know, i thought was a reasonable train of thought, but he said it was conditioning. so yeah, i’ve been shooting him with a water gun every time he leaves school now too to condition him and he gets really angry but then i just shoot him again and… actually, this is kind of off topic

  


so before the date, he did the polite thing of asking me where i wanted to go even though he very clearly had a place in mind. so i told him i didn’t really care, surprise me, and then he took me to his apartment. now i know i don’t usually put out on a first date, but you gotta understand. this guy is like aphrodite if she was a lot uglier, and i am but a mere mortal, so i’d probably consider it if he asked. which he didn’t, but just saying

  


turns out that he didn’t want to do the vulgar deed of h*lding h*nds while i serenaded him with my croaky voice. instead, he wanted to burn all the files of his old life. which is understandable, since his dad kinda sucks, but then i discovered that he has this voodoo board where he pins newspaper articles of his dad’s face up on a corkboard and picks one at random to shoot every night. i’m not really sure why his neighbors haven’t complained yet

  


anyway, he has a lot of these articles, so he spent a solid hour cutting them up and then feeding them into the paper cutting machine. he wouldn’t let me help. he made me sit on the bed and watch as he destroyed nearly a continent’s worth of trees. i tried to h*ld my own h*nd to get his attention, but even this incredibly lewd action didn’t work

  


he was cackling like mad. i’ve never seen anyone do that on a first date before. that must mean he really likes me, right? the only time i’ve ever seen him laugh like that before is right before he shot me in the interrogation room, and he constantly refers to that event as the happiest moment of his life

  


after that, he set the pile of paper on fire. right in the middle of the apartment. i guess he put on the whole detective prince moniker just to hide the fact that he only has one braincell. anyway, now the apartment is on fire and we are standing outside in the cold. i’m still h*lding my own h*nd because i started and now it’ll look weird if i stopped. he’s carrying a pile of paper ash that kind of looks like he just burned someone alive, to be honest, and it’s a little worrying because the firefighters keep glancing over, and, well, murdering people is a slightly more offensive crime than setting a building on fire

  


and now he wants to run away from the crime scene. now i usually don’t elope on the first date, but this guy is really special, you know? i mean, he was chosen as the agent of chaos sent by god (the first one) to destroy the world, and then chosen as the shoujo love interest for the handsome protagonist by god (the second one), so i feel like he deserves as least this much from me

  


  


afterreign • 6.7k points

Dude I looked at your post history and you seem a little insane. You left 493 comments on a reddit post that was _clearly_ fake. Who has time to post on Reddit when they’re dying?

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Joker • 3.5k points

only 493? i thought i at least hit 600

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afterreign • 6.7k points

Get help.

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Joker • 3.5k points

i mean ideally i would, but my therapist has retired from being a fanfiction writer turned god and is now a taxi driver. do you have anyone else you can refer me to. really, anyone will do. my standards are really low right now

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afterreign • 6.7k points

Excuse me, but what?

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7

  


  
r/AkechiThirstClub • Posted by u/Joker  


daily akechi support thread – congrats on not dying for 7 consecutive days!

not because you actually support him, but because it’d make him mad  


  


Crow • 973 points

Please don’t.

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Panther • 273 points

W

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Oracle • 17.5k points

E

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Joker • 3.5k points

<3

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Fox • 6.9k points

A

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Skull • 6.4k points

C

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Panther • 273 points

Skull!

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Skull • 6.4k points

wat

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Skull • 6.4k points

is that not how u spell his name

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Crow • 973 points

I am surrounded by fucking idiots.

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Queen • 1.5k points

Language.

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Crow • 973 points

I am surrounded by fucking buffoons.

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4.4k

  


  
r/AmITheAsshole • Posted by u/Crow  


Am I the Asshole for pushing my not-boyfriend into the lake for setting my building on fire?

I was never going to post on Reddit ever again, but I need validation, and unfortunately all of the people in my not-boyfriend’s friend circle are ultimately idiots who praise him for everything he does, _**and i do too btw**_ u/Oracle I will thank you not to hack me while I am typing this post _**mwehehehe.**_ So I decided I needed some outside opinion, and considering that the people of Reddit have only steered me wrong every single time I’ve posted before, I thought it was a suitable replacement.

  


My not-boyfriend keeps pestering me to hang out. Now, I normally would not have given in, but he has taken over a… particular subreddit, and he will not stop posting borderline illegal pictures of me on it, and his _**wonderful and amazing**_ accomplice u/Oracle has hijacked my phone so that it makes the amber alert sound whenever he posts a picture of my ass. This means that I have to explain to my professors why my phone goes off at least ten times per lecture. It is rather inconveniencing.

  


Therefore, I gave in and made the mistake of allowing him into my apartment. He immediately went snooping. He wandered into my bedroom and found the board where I pinned my father’s newspaper picture up to use as target practice. He suggested that I get rid of it because he didn’t want to have to look at it while we were “you know”. I do not know. He kept looking at me expectantly and it is making me stressed. I wanted to shoot him but I have to remind myself that he is a human being and not a newspaper and he would actually die if I did that. Though, I have shot him in the head before and he is unfortunately still around. Perhaps I should test my hypothesis again one day.

  


So I went to take down all the photographs of my father and shredded them. It felt strangely cathartic. My not-boyfriend wanted to help, but as this is rather personal business, I told him no. He looked as if I kicked his cat (I did) and murdered him (I tried) and went to sit on my bed while I watched my father’s face burn. It felt great. If meddling god (number 2) really wanted to create the perfect reality, then why did my wish to punch Shido in the face not come to fruition? Checkmate.

  


After a while, the not-boyfriend got bored and wanted to help. I pushed him away and he “tripped” into the pile of burning newspaper. It is in quotation marks because he flailed around so much it gave me the vivid flashbacks of u/Panther’s acting skills.

  


And so all the stray pieces of paper landed on my bed, which set it on fire, and then my whole apartment started burning. Then, instead of apologizing or escaping the building like a normal human being, he started writing a Reddit post. I had to carry him out of the building. I think he has an addiction. _**you’re one to talk, murder boy. you made a post in the engine room lul**_ I deleted that post. _**nothing is ever gone from the internet**_ Erase it from your memory or I will do it for you. _**:x i see therapy isn’t working**_

  


This was a disastrous first not-date. My building is on fire. My revenge plan has once again been thwarted. The police are looking at us suspiciously because the not-boyfriend is taking selfies in front of the building.

  


Am I the Asshole for pushing my not-boyfriend into the lake following this chain of events? I am almost certain he is posting his own (incorrect) retelling of this incident at this moment while treading water. For some reason, I feel as if I have lost this competition even though I’m not the one drowning.

  


  


Joker • 3.5k points

hey crow, since you don’t have a place to stay for the near future, want to come live with me for a bit? we could get a two bedroom apartment. or if you want to save money, a one bedroom

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Oracle • 17.5k points

and there was _only one bed!_

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Crow • 973 points

…please tell me you did not burn down my apartment just to ask me this.

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Joker • 3.5k points

uh ok i won’t tell you then

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Crow • 973 points

You are unbelievable.

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Crow • 973 points

…fine. But only if you make dinner every day.

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Joker • 3.5k points

wait really? didn’t think that’d work lol

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Joker • 3.5k points

yeah sure i’ll be responsible for the food, what are you going to do

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Crow • 973 points

I will murder any intruders that break into the house.

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Joker • 3.5k points

um maybe pick something a little more domestic and less illegal

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Crow • 973 points

I will break the arms of any intruders that break into the house.

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Joker • 3.5k points

there we go :D

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Crow • 973 points

I also have one more demand.

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1.6k

  


  
r/AskReddit • Posted by u/Maruki  


Help with Neighbors

Hello, Reddit. I got some new neighbors this week, and they have taken to loudly reenacting scenes from my fanfiction. I do not know how they found it, and I do not know why they must roleplay every night with the windows open, but now the whole apartment complex knows that I used to write akeshuake fanfiction and I want to die. Please help me. The new neighbors do a very good job acting too. It’s almost as if Kurusu-kun and Akechi-kun decided to do this to get back at me for all the trouble I caused them. But… nah. It couldn’t be. I’m just overthinking things.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And done!  
> Sorry idk if you can tell but I kind of ran out of steam for this fic a couple chapters ago, but I hope it was at least enjoyable to read!
> 
> The reddit format's pretty fun. Here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/nagittos). I might open up short reddit prompt requests there in the future.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for all the support you've given me!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [TIFU by Throwing my Steak Out a Window](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28661802) by [Flufferdoodle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flufferdoodle/pseuds/Flufferdoodle)




End file.
